November 4th -Another month has arrived which is always a time of reflection for me. I tend to assess my month as another month without Rehtaeh and what has emotionally transpired for me. I have had some very very painful days and many many tears. I have been asked a few times about “having fun” such as ” Are you having “fun again Leah?” I have given the idea some thought. I would not say I have “fun” anymore but I can say that I have laughed and not felt guilty. I have had moments of pleasure and moments of deep deep peace within. Knowing that I can have moments of peace has been a huge milestone for me. I have certainly grown in the past month spiritually and intuitively.
I still have moments of judging myself of where I “should” be in terms of being able to function like “normal” people but I always catch myself and say “comparisons are not fair”. I truly am being the best friend I could ever be to myself because friends and expectations are overrated and lead to disappointments. Letting go of expectation of self and others has been a daily journey for me. However, I know by noticing these thoughts and observing I am learning daily how to be there for me.
Who I am now and what I am able to do has changed dramatically but why is “being productive” according to societal standards considered “better” ? Doing less for me has yielded more transformation. Feeling…yes actually feeling my pain has been my biggest teacher. I can now dialogue with my physical body to have an intuitive conversation about my emotions.
I no longer curse my body and its many layers of pain. I ask my body what it needs emotionally. My heart is stuck, my heart aches…and guess what? This includes the physical muscles surrounding my heart. I stretch the area acknowledge the pain and we work together. I take the time i used to take to GO, GO, GO to listen, listen, listen.
I dont have a lot in common with people climbing in their profession, saving for retirement and running running to do a million things in one day.When I get caught up in comparisons I am reminded that each and every one of us has our own journey and this is mine. I didnt ask for this trauma to show up in my life but it has. I’m not stronger than you, your not more fortunate than I but I have realized that I can find the moments in between the pain.
Through the pain I have found richness in me that I forgot I had. Each day I look for moments and the truth is – the smallest of moments make my heart sing. I vow to keep this heart open and loving in a world that has crushed me on so many levels.
Although I have never felt excited about speaking engagements, I always feel:
*Honoured to share Rehtaeh with people
*Inspired to make change for our society
*Grateful for people like you
*Blessed to find wisdom on this journey.
This article was shared in THE METRO today on the 4th of the month talking about Rehtaeh’s Book. Today this touches my soul. What touched you today?