Here we are on the 4th of the month. What a month! Rehtaeh left us in the month of April. It’s now been 2yrs and one month since I spoke to my girl I just can’t comprehend the concept of time anymore. How could it be an entire 2yrs when it seems like just yesterday and forever all at once? Time is so fleeting, yet we base everything on time. We cant speak about anything without referencing time, yet what is time? If its true that energy never dies it merely transforms then time means nothing to those who left their physical bodies. Yet, we mark the month/year with such fierce meaning.
I went to bed after midnight knowing that it was the 4th of the month. I woke to tears streaming down my face in the middle of the night knowing its another month without Rehtaeh in my life. I look to her ceiling (I slept in her bed) and look to all the glow in the dark planets that she placed there, thinking how could this have happened? I sit here now saying “I know that she is always here with me in all that I am. Where else would she be?” Where does time fit here? I see her in these rooms,I see her in this community, in the actions of her little sisters. Teaghan came in yesterday with dirt and worms in her hands looking for a safe place for them to live. I laughed and thought “Rehtaeh would have done the exact same thing.” That was a moment in time and she was there.
It may seem like I live in the past (whatever that is) but each month I reflect on the month, then I find myself reflecting on the 2yrs that has past. I enjoy going inward and see where this journey has taken me. I notice nuances that if I did not reflect would be lost. I know longer say why me? why my family? Why my daughter? While I wish it were not so, I know why. My daughter brings awareness and change to an issue that was long overdue and her legacy for change will continue for as long as I have a voice. Time has allowed for this to occur..to process emotions.
During the past month I have spoke to almost 2,000 students and many adults as well. Each and every time I speak I feel honoured to share Rehtaeh’s voice. Its not her “story”. Its her message of hope and inspiration and it brings her life and all that she was to a place where people can get an glimpse her essence both before and after her tragedy. I know she would want others to hear her message and make this world a safer place especially for her two little sister whom she loved with all her heart. Rehtaeh never wanted to be silenced. She wanted validation and every time she touches someone in a way that they too want to do more, her life lives on.
I forgot about this picture until yesterday when I found it on the computer. Little gifts such as this one warms my heart and makes me smile and cry. Learning to accept the nature of these two emotions that seem to be constant companions. Time is fleeting but time tells me this photo happened. I look at the image and I remember the day. A moment in time…but I still have it locked within my heart.
Have a wonderful day and remember to be as kind to yourself as you would a friend.