Here we are November 4th…19months. As I type 19months it feels like that way I used to describe Rehtaeh and her sisters when they were babies. We mark the milestones (the dates) the same way we described our children’s first years. Instead of saying “oh, she is 1 1/2yrs old we have to be so specific because so much happens in in difference between 18months and 19months. That one month is so important. Grieving is similar. The emotional changes are different in just one month. I like to think I am actively grieving if that is even a term. I even talk to my physical pain by saying “hello! aching legs and hips!” I feel you all the time. Strangely enough there were times in the beginning of my grief that I actually had to ask my daughter to help me lift my leg to place into my pants because my leg would not budge. I know my pain in my body is a direct result of my emotional pain. I have been diagnosed with many issues since the death of Rehtaeh. So I know I have to acknowledge that with a similar understanding that I give to my emotions.
I have been a spiritual person off and on throughout my life. I have believed in other dimensions between here (the physical dimension) and the veil to the outer dimension some call God, spirit, oneness and I have had life change events where I woke up and didnt believe at all. It was lost, gone and left a huge void. No explanation of why.
I have also had experiences in my life that made me believe in a spiritual realm. Some pretty intense experiences to convince the skeptic in me. When Rehtaeh died (wow – sometimes just writing that feels like Im discussing someone elses child – not mine) there was a strong voice in my head that yelled at me…you will never survive this unless you embrace your spirituality again. Unless, you come to a place of healing and open your heart up to receive..your just not going to come through this.
I went within and embraced my pain and I do this everyday and yes its still there but when you are open to possibilities of other realities guess what happens? You start receiving …its just that easy and that hard all in one. My pain is going to accompany me but it also moves me to action. It moves me to speak. It moves me to feel. It moves me to feel my girl is with me. It moves me to honour her life but most importantly my pain moves me. I feel it deeply which means I feel deeply, which means I feel stronger in my pain.
We just dont know what will happen in our lives and often we cant control it. It seems to deliver whether we are “prepared” or not and yelling internally “No, no no!” will not stop it but stating “please help me cope!” may yield a different result…just maybe.