I had a conversation with someone close to me recently and they mentioned the article I wrote for the Maria Shriver.com page for suicide awareness day. She said “how can you of all people say that the world is a beautiful place?” I answered “its all perspective and choice.” She went on to describe the many atrocities in the world and said do you still say the world is a beautiful place?
Again I answer its all perspective…Do I feel emotions? Of course I feel anger, bitterness, sadness, and in the beginning when this all began for Rehtaeh and especially when she died I often said, ” Why Me?” “Am I such an awful person that I deserve this pain?” Now I wake everyday with intense sadness…Regardless of everything positive that ever happens in my life, I know everyday I am going to feel this sadness. Sadness will be my constant companion.
Am I somehow stronger than the person standing beside me that also lost their child to murder, suicide, illness etc? Absolutely not! I actually get tired of people stating if “I lost my child I would not be able to get out of bed. How do you do it? ” I do it the same as any other grieving parent. You wake and you handle the day the best way you can. I made a decision to honour my feelings. Sometimes I am not able to function well – many days actually. Somedays, I function well. Expectations of others and also ourselves can be our worst enemy. I have redefined what “functioning well” means. I have flashbacks, I have bad dreams and I have really bad days just like any other grieving parent.
Back to the question is the world a beautiful place? Are you looking for life’s miracles or are you looking for pain? If you go within are you feeding yourself negativity or are you looking for positive feedback? Look for the positive feedback.It may be very minute but you must feed that part of you. I feed that part of me everyday and when I have anger and resentment I ask myself how can this serve me today? I try not to ignore or deny its presence. Life is very short and after all they are just thoughts that come and go. Making a choice on how your going to live the life you were delivered is something we all have within.
I dont think I changed my friends mind after our conversation but I hope she reconsiders that there is good and bad.Its not about putting your head in the sand and ‘only’ looking at the beautiful butterflies. Its about admiring the butterflies and saving the ones that are flailing when you can.