The New Year 2015

As the year comes to a close and we begin 2015 I am reminded that I can no longer say last year in 2013 my world collapsed. I cant say last year this tragedy struck our home and it bothers me. Why? Because there is always that pull to keep the trauma close in time and yet we long to feel a little less burdened with the pain. However, the pain can become so fresh in an instant, a memory, a comment, a song, a photo. We tend to say “Oh no, not here in the grocery store, in the car etc but the pain echoes back, “Hello, here I am!”. But who were we fooling? We knew it was there all along. We sometimes tend to think if time stands still then we don’t have to journey day after day missing a piece of heart of soul. But the days they come, they go, not worrying about anyone or their needs. So, what do we do caught in this condundrum of time and grief? ..wanting to keep time from moving yet wanting to move into another way of living. We feel trapped .
I held it together emotionally so well over Christmas. My girls had a wonderful time and yes, there was an emptiness but it felt right to celebrate and miss Rehtaeh at the same time. Rehtaeh was included in conversations and in celebration, yet we came together in joy not despair. We even hosted Christmas dinner here. Sometimes I felt joy and laughter and knew it felt right. Then came boxing day, then the 27th, 28th and with those days came the heaviness in my body and I’m not talking about eating too much food. The pain I often have in my lower part of my body where I hold my grief started to greet me. Instead of running I acknowledged my body pain and answered back with “ I feel you and I understand.” I did not fight it and yesterday it started screaming at me. I answer with “Yes, we will stretch and sit in quietness and yes I will cry and feel whatever comes up.” That is how I honour myself and that has been my promise to myself since Rehtaeh died ,once I made the decision to live. I honour the feelings that arise and I feel we deserve to feel how we feel. People often tell me “I am afraid to feel my pain because I will fall apart.” That’s not true…you may fall apart momentarily and sometimes we need to do that to release the pain within. Spend time with yourself as you would a friend in crisis. Sit down and ask “what do you need today, right now?”
I cry daily and I have accepted that I do this because my body needs to release. There were days that I could not lift my legs to put them into my pant leg because of physical pain. I know this pain is related to emotional pain. Our minds and bodies are not separate entities. My daughter had to help me lift my leg many times. A few days ago I asked Jason to take this photo of me while we were out with our dogs. It may look like a simply a Yoga pose with my faithful dog George. However, for me it is much more than just a pose, this is part of my emotional healing. To be able to balance and lift this painful leg in this way is part of my mind/body connection; its movement both emotionally and physically.
I have come to believe that the best friend anyone will ever hear from is the one that keeps trying to get your attention from within. I have learned to listen and honour her voice. She is kind and loving and helps me daily. For the New Year I am asking you to do the same. Wishing all of you a wonderful year in 2015.

1 thought on “The New Year 2015

Comments are closed.