Feb 4th 2015
As most of you are aware each month on the 4th I reflect on another month without Rehtaeh in my life. It’s my journey of grief. I share with you as I have been sharing since I began this page because writing helps me. I also know by sharing my thoughts others that feel this pain can relate and know they are not alone. When we validate our emotions it’s easier to continue this journey of life full of pain and pleasure.
Twenty two months, WOW! I never really realized how incredibly fast time flies by until she was gone. On this day I am always reminded of our last day together, the details of what happened earlier in the day, our conversations and of course the trauma. The day is imprinted on my mind and the 4th of the month always triggers the events of the worst day of my life.
Since Rehtaeh died I have been diagnosed with many things…PTSD, Degenerative Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Scoliosis, locked SI joints and most recently vertigo. In the past month I have been noticing physical pain and emotions. I’ve been curious and watching, feeling the physical in relation to the emotional pain. Our mind/body connections are so fascinating. I read a book about 12yrs ago called “Anatomy of the Spirit” by Caroline Myss and what she wrote rings so true. Since our emotional brain is all interconnected to our physical self its no wonder that we feel our pain emotionally in our physical body. It sounds like common sense but in our Western world of medicine the two are treated separately.
I know the conditions diagnosed by Doctors are accurate because I FEEL every one of them. I realize they are the result of my emotions and my body is carrying pain the best way it can. I decided not to curse my new found ailments but instead to be kind and observe. I don’t believe they are here to stay. Some may stay while others will fade slightly or altogether but it’s okay. I do not want to attach to them as truth. I have made peace with most and when I have flashbacks from PTSD that seem to come out of nowhere I decided to welcome the images and let them live because I know in fear they will flourish. The residual effects of how I live life now as compared s to “before” is a component of accepting myself as I am now. It’s a hard reality to embrace with constant reminders of “not to compare”. But as we all know we “appear” one way but life is never the same again.
My big shift this month has been the pain in my legs/hips that have often been debilitating on some days has shifted. When I sit and feel the sensations in my body I feel a shift and I do believe the shift went upward and has manifested in my inner ear for now but imagine the estatic when I realized there is a shift in my physical pain which means my emotions are shifting and they are not stuck in the “foundation” of who I am. The legs/hips are your foundation of the body. Pain of losing Rehtaeh is so dense/heavy that it sticks to my very core makes so much sense to me.
So this month has been about noticing and observing the connections and being thankful for insight.