I’m a day late with my monthly reflections. I was a very busy Mom all weekend running between the girl’s basketball tournaments. Yesterday, between games I rushed home to walk the dogs.
I often walk the trails near my home and this time my youngest girl wanted to go a completely different route when we were almost home. She said “Mom, I want to go to the path beside
Canadian Tire where Rehtaeh and I used to go.”
I had no idea Teaghan had been in that wooded area with her big sister before but I agreed to explore. I started walking the tree line on the inside of the industrial fence that served as a reminder of the bustling little plaza just over to my left.
I started thinking about that dreaded night – April 4th 2013 when life threw me the biggest curve of my life. The further I stepped into the well worn trail the more I was reminded of all the teens who use this shortcut – hidden away from the eyes of society but just on the edges of the bustling little suburb. They are probably the only ones who know that this path exists.
Halfway through the trail I suddenly recalled the last video recorded on Rehtaeh’s phone was that very night just hours before …. I knew in that moment that this was the trail she walked with her friends that evening. I found myself reliving the walk she took. The laughter and the stumbling in the darkness lit up only by her phone light and patches of snow. I thought how could she go from laughing with friends just hours before to being in such a state of despair.
However, isn’t that exactly how Trauma shows up?
Trauma hits us in a moment bringing us back to our knees at any given moment until ENOUGH time allows us to get our footing once again – to become strong and grounded.
Rehtaeh didnt get enough time to get her footing. She was bombarded with emotions and reminders constantly.
But when people say “They made the decision to end their life” or “It was their choice” I tend to disagree.
I watched my child fight so hard to stay here everyday. She didnt want to die. She had huge aspirations and dreams for her future. She would say “Mom, I have these awful thoughts but I want to be here. I want to always be Temma and Teaghan’s big sister helping to guide them through life!”
She acted on that impulse and despair but that was not what she wanted. She didnt choose that ending. A moment later she would have fought once again to stay!
She just didnt have that next moment to do so!
Time allows us to get our footing and build from a new foundation. Please Keep climbing!