October 4th – 3yrs 5months. I continue on this journey of life, loss and deep deep emotions. Sometimes, I forget my own advice and feel disappointed when the darkness arrives seeping into the cells of my being. I embrace my triumphs often and sometimes I feel very “warrior” like but when I feel the 4th of each month start creeping up I know whats coming. Sometimes I just want to scream “NO! PLEASE NO! Don’t visit me this month!” Grieving parents feel this ache everyday deep in our souls but certain moments, days, months of the year engulfs us in ways that knock us onto our knees.
This month is particularly tough because my Dad passed the 1st week of October in 2005. That’s when I rescued a sweet sweet puppy. That puppy was my therapist. I cried into his fur more times than I can count. He was the best boy – laying with me and allowing me to bathe in the unconditional love that he constantly provided. I named him George so people would not be intimidated by him. George grew to be 120lbs of pure love. I was blessed to be his person for almost 11yrs.Our entire family was blessed with his gentle presence. This year in April George was suddenly diagnosed with bone cancer and died in May. As the anniversary of my Dad’s death loomed I was reminded of the love that George gave me during that time.Then came the pain of losing my Dad compounded by the loss of Rehtaeh.
I immediately wanted to get “tough” with myself and say “look at all you do have. Stop dwelling on the pain!” Interesting I thought “Where did those thoughts come from?” I responded with “Is that what you would say to a friend?” No, I would not say that to a friend so I gave permission to allow my emotions free from thought to arise in my body. No, it was not convenient as I had things to “get done” and it was not magical or beautiful. It just was!
I weeped and allowed expansion of my feelings. I stopped telling myself how I “should” be. I rested.I felt anxious. I had flashbacks. Then I allowed space for all of this to exist within me. Im still struggling today and thats OK. Often we feel if we walk into the feelings we will “fall apart” when in actuality when we honour that space within that carries pain we feel lighter emotionally.
The path I walk is not pleasant but stepping on the path is the only way forward. I never intend to “move on” or “let go” – whatever that means. I do intend to show up daily and allow for life to unfold. Sometimes it will be the reminder to show kindness to myself and stop allowing voices that dont belong to me to dictate how I “should” be. Sometimes it will be the reminder that our path is our path let it “be”.