July 4th 2016
Monthly Reflections on my Grief Journey – Time
This month was full of emotions as each month tends to be. Being a part of a Tedx Event and speaking from a place within my heart that I had never truly embraced before was such an emotional and inspiring experience. I truly felt that I left some of my own “shame” and “blame” on the stage when I departed. Although I thought I resolved much of my own trauma from youth I really felt liberated to say it out loud. My Tedx talk was definitely a healing experience for me. I am so grateful that I was asked to be a part the event and be in the presence of so many amazing people.
As the month of June crept in I watched my youngest daughter perform her end of school play and my middle child graduate elementary school. Deep deep emotions began to creep in as well. I began feeling very fragile and vulnerable. I don’t know what shifted or happened because sometimes there just does not seem any pattern for these emotional tsunamis. Suddenly, I began longing for my girl in such raw emotional ways that was surprising even to me. I woke on several occasions crying and just wanting this deep aching pain to go away. However, the tears they just kept releasing without permission- they endlessly flowed. You know the saying “time heals “ well I don’t believe time is going to heal this one.
Time is not on my side.
Time has taught me many lessons.
Time has taught me that those scary unmanageable waves of grief that hit you blindsided will be reminders that you cannot control this emotion. Grief waves do not care where you are when they hit you. Time continues to express this sad truth.
I learned that all those unfamiliar waves of panic and sadness will become familiar. I learned to brace myself and allow my emotions to come through. They want to be heard. Emotions deserve to live and be felt. I learned that when the emotional wave subsides I will still be standing. I will be rocked to my core again and again but I will stand there and regain my composure. I will brush myself off. I will start again until the next emotional tsunami strikes. It could strikes daily or it could wait a few weeks but it will come again and again.
Time tells me that I have survived 3 long/short years without my child.
Time tricks me into thinking it was forever and yesterday all at once.
Time reminds me that I won’t forget her smell, her touch, her voice, our memories. Thank you time!
Time reminds me how little time we really have on this earth.
Time reminds me that my daughter will forever be 17yrs old and that someday I will have to watch my girls gets older than their older sister. I hate time for that!!!!
I have learned over time that while in this raw pain the ache to want to leave this world begins a chant all on its own. It’s not wise to listen to mind’s chatter. I am reminded of what my daughter’s mind was telling her “It’s not worth it!” “You’re a burden” “You don’t matter!” That’s our mind, that’s our ego but that’s not who we are! “Hold on to who you are!!!! “ I scream back.
Taking one day at a time is all I can do to get through the journey of grief that continually unfolds. Finding the moments in between the pain is my only solace. Practicing ways of being kind to myself each and every day has been one of my life savers. I also tend to remind myself that who I truly am is timeless.