Life LOVES us!

January was rough, rough, rough emotionally and physically but spiritually there has been so much growth. We often hear about the decline of one’s health after loss/grief/emotional trauma and I truly understand this now and how it has been this way for the past couple of years. The emotions that we carry have special pockets and areas that tend to “hold” in our bodies. My body has been in a “holding pattern” for quite some time now.
I had a lot of sadness and darkness arrive in January and with it came the physical pain in my back/hips/neck/head along with chronic fatigue. The list goes on and on however I allowed this pain to “be” without the anger and only periods of total frustration. I try my best not to get “fed up” with the continual roller coaster of emotions as well. Instead I sat and reflected back to the beginning of this journey of loss. In doing so, I saw the tremendous growth and the courage to hold on to the notion that life is good .It is also sad and horrible – I know that side all too well but there is a wealth of beauty and love. It is there every single day. Many of you have shown me this beauty in your continued support from afar.
January was filled with reflection. I went back to the first weeks after Rehtaeh died and I remember thinking at that time I could not go the rest of my life without her. I silently screamed “I CAN’T BARE THE THOUGHT of never seeing her again. I CAN’T! PLEASE WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!” I’m not sure when my soul, the universe or whatever you want to call it screamed back. Maybe it was at the two week mark or the five week mark. Maybe it was a few months later. I’m not sure because time morphed together in the beginning when shock was my protector from total collapse.
I do know I heard it loud and clear almost like an insistent teenager stomping her feet. We all hear the call for change throughout our life whether it’s several small tugs or a catastrophe that brings us there. Do we ignore the tugs or do we listen? I think it all depends on what is at stake. In my case it has happened several times in my life. The “wake up” call the “light bulb” moments and the longing for answers –the pull to explore other possibilities.
I had been exhausted from the “what ifs?” and the “why me?” and I wanted to die. In one of my mental twirlings of the “story” of wanting to leave this world I was interrupted by a silent loudness that immediately had my attention because it was not invited. The loudness appeared as an interruption in my cyclic pain-filled thought process. It forced its way through the mental dialogue. Here is what I heard “You are going to die! You are going to die IF you do not find your spiritual path back to yourself! That is the ONLY way you are going to survive this loss!!!!”
I began the daily “show me” the way! I don’t know what to do?” Life started to take shape in small, meaningful ways. My journey back to myself began to unfold. Yoga showed up on my path and intuitively I knew I needed to try it. I knew I needed to try “anything” that felt right from my “heart” and so it began. It does not mean that every day is beautiful now. I still feel exhausted often and full of physical/emotional pain. It does mean that many emotions can live together –it’s not I either feel happy or sad. It still takes my breath away when a news article shares a photo of my daughter and the photo pops up in my time line. I still silently scream “No! not my girl! Please don’t! I can’t live without her! “
I don’t know if the physical pain will always remain but I listen to my body more now and participate in many healing modalities. I am open to explore what works to ease my pain and what does not work. I can sit in silence and not panic with thoughts of loss. I chose to live and to look for signs that life loves me. It’s definitely a CHOICE one must make after this type of loss. This does not suddenly make life better nor does it make the pain less but it gives a sense of hope. Life is telling all of us that we must honour both pain and pleasure, peace, agitation because there is no running from our emotions. Life is also telling us behind the clutter of the mind is the heart –listen with your heart.

1 thought on “Life LOVES us!

  1. My sincere and deep condolences go to you today. I pray for you today. May the God of all comfort give you his divine comfort today, as you remember Your lovely daughter. Jesus loves you, and he understands your pain and grief.

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