Complicated Emotions …Teachers in Disguise

I was able to accomplish this amazing certificate this past weekend after a year of training. Its been difficult, emotional, stressful, amazing and everything in between. The final retreat was very calming and restorative. However, when I arrived home I wondered why I didnt feel a sense of pride of this accomplishment. Once I was home and the magic of the weekend subsided I looked at the piece of paper and a profound sadness came over me. I cried actually…and cried.

Why? My first thought is that if Rehtaeh didnt leave us I would not be holding this. I thought I have this because I dont have her. Because she is NOT here I have this journey and piece of paper. Everything from here on …every milestone or accomplishment is because I was forced onto another path that I did not choose. Then that voice so strong and demanding swung back.

“Leah, You have this piece of paper because she lived, not because she died!” Remembering the moment she was born and my life changed. My driving focus was her…a little baby looking up to me for her very survival. I looked back and I promised her to do my very best. I suddenly knew that I had a purpose in my life and she was it. Wow, what I accomplished with that as my goal. I began to reminisce of our first years together. I had never been that driven before. I was a high school drop out at 16yrs old. I began University at 30 yrs when Rehtaeh was 9months old. We went to school together and it was something I will always be thankful for. Yes, I have this paper because she lived not because she died.

My life took a turn onto another road and that road does not include the physical Rehtaeh but it sure includes her spirit and my love for her. My promise to do the very best that I can has not changed nor would she want it to. I keep my promises…I may falter, I may feel weak and sad often.My body may ache with this pain but my heart will remain open and love just as strong as the day I looked at her for the first time. Namaste’