I decided to write my monthly update a bit early as I honestly don’t know what the 4th will bring for me.
It’s been such a tough, tough month emotionally. I continue to stay present for my feelings/emotions . I can no longer say with certainty where my emotions arise from. Are they coming from my mind or my body? Where do they begin? I honestly don’t know because I have been pretty in tune with my body these days. Asking “what do you need? “ Each day as the two year mark hovers, my body seems to be the one telling me of the pain. My hips ache, my neck aches and my chest aches. Is this is a response to thoughts and emotions? I’m not sure. I know I don’t attach to the revolving story as I once did. Seems to me as year two continues to hover my body/brain allows the veil of protection to ease up just a little more. As if the brain has started to let the truth linger for longer segments of time.
The pain is no longer a searing feeling followed by a numbness. It’s a searing, screaming pain. I am watching and allowing myself to be present. I am also learning that it’s me present when these feelings come to visit. I have learned that placing expectations on others and how they “should” be only leads to disappointment and is unrealistic in many ways. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) is a funny little disorder isn’t it? Anyone who has PTSD knows that images/emotins seem to come out of no where to pay a visit. Who is there to witness the reoccurring trauma? Its you! I am proud to say that for a portion of my PTSD I have managed to be there and not panic. I have some pretty graphic flashbacks even when I am not thinking of anything particular. I could be grocery shopping and an image will appear. I can calmly see the image now and breathe my way through it – reassuring myself that it’s a memory that for some reason has appeared once again. Those are the flashes that many with PTSD suffer from but the little day to day finer details of life are a bit trickier for me.
I have also learned that PTSD is so individual. For me I find noise amplified and Chaos sends my mind into panic mode. I like to be alone more than I ever did before and I love silence. I tire easily and have to pace everything I do in a day. I thought Sirens would be something that would affect me but they do not. However, one night I picked up a friend at the hospital and that seemed to send me spinning emotionally. I didn’t anticipate this would happen because I have been to that same hospital a few times. The only difference was this time it was at night. It was the evening visit that sent my emotions reeling.. However, it was not a thought that “appeared” but as an emotion felt in my body. Why? because our bodies also hold memory. I continue on my grief journey exploring as I go and knowing with one hundred percent certainty that child loss is not a spectrum that falls into a “grief pattern”. Child loss is a roller coaster ride with each day revealing something new. I share with you in hopes something I say also resonates with you. We are all alone in our journeys but we are all together as one as well. I thank the Universe everyday for all of you who have supported me during the past two years.
This weekend is Easter and Easter Day happens to follow the day after Rehtaeh hung herself. My last family dinner with Rehtaeh was Easter dinner as it came early that year. The 7th marks the official day Rehtaeh left us but I always remember it as the 4th. The three days spent in a hospital – a formality for saying goodbye to my girl and allowing her to be a donor and save other lives. I find myself wondering about the teen who received her heart but I cant stay there long. Its overwhelming. I recently watched a video on her phone . It was recorded just hours before I found her in the bathroom. The video is of Rae with some friends, walking in the trails, laughing and joking around. So much changed in just a few short hours .
This year on the 7th of the month I am asking everyone to reach out to someone who lost a child. If you knew their child, please share a memory with them. If it’s one thing I have learned from the many parents in the club no one wants to join, is that we all want our child to be remembered. We all want to know that their life mattered. Maybe their child used to smile and wave at you each day on their way to school? Please share a memory on April 7th to a grieving parent regardless of how many years have passed. The heartache remains.