Freddie, The Spider.

I wont post his photo because I know some people get creeped out by the sight of spiders but life changes after trauma and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be in awe of the spider and its web making capabilities. I have never harmed a spider when I found them in my home. I would quickly rehome the spider by picking up in a tissue and taking it outside because I always felt they have a right to their life but but I never gave much thought to the spider either. Another example of how life changes after trauma. Nowadays I look forward to our back porch spider and his nightly appearance. We call him Freddie but he may be a Freda. If I dont see him/her sitting in the middle of the web proud and majestic looking I worry that something may have happened. But one look upward and I see the small leg sticking out under the blind where he hides during the daytime hours. When he is mending his web, I call out to the children. “Come see what Freddie is doing?” I watch in awe of his preciseness and skill. I admire Freddie!

I have been reflecting on why does this matter to me now when it never did before. Why am I touched so deeply by things so mundane as a spider who has made his home my back porch? Something changed in me.It is not the bitterness and anger one would expect to happen after all the torment my daughter and family have been through. I’m touched so deeply by so many things now. I see now that life is always in extremes yet so balanced in the good and the bad. I see this in everything now.

When I first lost Rehtaeh I wanted to die too. I literally wanted to end my life.I had convinced myself that I just can not emotionally handle the loss of my “Rae”. She was my first born. Oh the emotions that run through you when your first child is born. Rae is the one who changed my life the day she was born. The one I held so dear…my true accomplishment in life. The one I first gave my heart to the instant I looked into her eyes. I remember thinking “Finally, I can LOVE with every ounce of me” . Oh, the innocence and naivity of the first time mother.

When Rehtaeh died -I too wanted to die and even convinced myself one day that my other two girls would be best without me because what kind of mother could I possibly be to them now that I was broken and shattered? What tricks our mind plays with us. Imagine tricking my brain to think my children would be better off without me? I decided to focus on little things…like a hot bath, a bird in flight…

I had to go to the smallest of things each day to get through the hr, the moment of despair. But guess what I found in the moments that appeared to be nothing of importance? I found importance. I found things so much bigger and meaningful than me and my despair. I found strength and profound love for my daughters…all three of them. By focusing on the birds…I found miracles of life. I found the value of living . I found the uniqueness of the spider. Im still searching but if you fill your heart with miracles of life you start to value it more not less.