I often talk to people who lost their loved ones to suicide and they ask if it will get better. Well, I am no expert and have been on my journey for just over 2.5yrs.I can only speak to my experience. People ask is it true time truly heals our wounds? No, time does not heal our wounds and we must learn to live between the moments of pain.That’s my mantra and I remind myself of the same daily. The moments between the searing pain differs from day to day. Some days, we wake and we have those moments of reprieve before the brain kicks in to remind us of our loss. Some days, we wake up and the pain is dripping from our eyes before our feet hit the ground. Some days, I look to the birds outside and embrace nature’s miracles…the moments between the pain. Some evenings I get lost painting stones…the moments between the pain. Some days, I sit on my yoga mat and let whatever arises embrace me. That can mean moments of peace and moments of anguish.
You will hear advice like “staying busy is the best thing to do” or “after a year it will be better” I totally disagree with both. We think if we go through a period of mourning and diving right into the grief then we will feel better. Our society is always trying to teach us if we do A,B,C then we will be happy, only then will there be the prize. We try to control our life and often feel disappointed because we tried to follow the formula of life but life let us down.
Grief is no different. There are formulas to follow and they are so cemented into our very being that we have to constantly remind our self that life is not a formula. I too am always reminding myself not to be judgmental and cruel when I have a decent week then wake one day to tears, heartache and pain because my daughter is not longer here. When the searing pain arises I tend to say “Oh no, not today please, not today!” but who am I to decide when, where. We do not have control over our emotions and if we are trying to control them they will not go away. I pulled over in my car a few days ago because the tears wanted to flow and so they did. They wanted out and I allowed them to be released.
Recently, a man who lost his wife to suicide asked me why people feel so awkward when he mentions his wife. He loves her and always will but its not him that feels uncomfortable. It makes him feel awful because people want to run when he mentions something about her. They want to end the conversation or give advice. He is sharing from the heart whether its a brief mention or something more meaningful he is sharing with you. Feel uncomfortable if that’s how you feel but stay with the feeling. Perhaps it could be you that brings up her name next time and shares a memory with him? He would love for you to speak her name. He would love to know she is not forgotten.
Last night I wrote down a phrase I heard on a TV show and It really resonated with me. A man in the show “Longmire” lost his wife and said “The only way it would stop hurting is if we forget about it. We don’t want to do that. We don’t want to forget a thing.” If we forget then we have lost both the good memories and the bad. Life is pain/pleasure not just the pleasure and its always reassurring to know that no one can take away our memories of our loved ones. Love is forever!