September 4th….School began yesterday and so too begins another season without Rehtaeh. I had to go to the mall for back to school clothes and now that Temyson is 11 she likes Garage Garage just happened to be one of Rehtaeh’s favourite stores. Temma knew that was her favourite store and mentioned it -letting me know that she too remembers. Back to school shopping was bearable but heading into the elementary school to bring Teaghan’s supplies to her classroom for the first day proved to be emotionally hard once again.
This time after saying goodbye and watching Teaghan sitting in the same spot Rehtaeh once sat (except opposite direction) I strolled down the hallway and found myself stopped in front of the 2008 graduating class photo.
I didnt plan this or even think about that photo it happened naturally. I looked at the photo of Rehtaeh smiling back at me knowing Temyson was entering grade 6 this year. I was contemplating this thought. At the end of this school year she will be a 2016 graduate of Robert Kemp Turner Elementary. Worry began to form in my already aching body. Elementary school will be over soon and off she will go to Jr High. Going through the teen years again for me is terrifying.All of these emotions arising within a 30second look at a photo of my girl happy and hopeful.
Then came the PTSD images and emotions of sadness that is engulfed in every cell of my body. Luckily, I made it to my vehicle and home before a complete meltdown occurred. I arrived safely home to breathe and remind myself that its okay to have unexpected emotions and images. I began the self talk of being the very best friend I could be to myself. The pity party came for a moment to tell me “No one gets this type of pain!” and why should they have to get “my pain”. I remained there true and strong for my dearest friend …ME. Living in the moments between the pain is where I am today and where else should I be? I have learned that it is me that remains strong to the broken part of me. They both exist in me and that thought gives me strength for today – the 4th of the month…strength to keep my heart open to receive.