June 4th has arrived 26 months! My monthly rambling on emotions and grief….June means we are heading into graduation season once again.I may have to limit what I see on facebook because the photos and excitement of new beginnings is too much for me emotionally. Rehtaeh LOVED learning! Anything she could get her hands on to read. She was always thirsty for knowledge. I loved that about her and I must admit I too LOVE to learn. We had so many conversations about what she wanted to do in her life and we talked about the endless possibilities. She was looking forward to so much that she sometimes said “I get overwhelmed with the possibilities”. She had so much going for her and so much to offer the world.
When Rehtaeh hung herself April 4th 2013, the days that followed in the hospital remains a bit fuzzy. What happened April 4th is very clear but the days following when Dr’s are saying she is going to die and people are swarming in and out. What I do remember vividly is the constant stream of tears that brimmed my eyes then overflowed running down my cheeks. My eyes were swollen, almost closed.I wore dark sunglasses to dull the raw, burning feeling. Light was my enemy.
I have never cried like that before and just over 2yrs later tears still come daily but they are no longer a river with no end in sight. They come and go at different times during the day in small segments and sometimes only hovering. However, last week when Rae’s little sister Teaghan performed in her very first play in her primary class the walls seemed to close in on me. Teaghan was there so full of life in the very same classroom Rehtaeh started school full of life and optimism. The tears started to build and I wanted to run but there was my little girl looking at me beaming with pride with her performance in Goldilocks.
My sister nudged and whispered “its too much, lets go” I replied “No, i will be fine”. I couldn’t leave she kept looking for me.
My eyes held steady and I was able to be present for Teaghan but it really shook me and set me back emotionally. This road has no clear route or directions. We dont know what’s lies ahead emotionally. There are no linear stages of grief. Every day since the play I wake in tears in the middle of the night. I’m not purposely holding on or reminiscing about my pain as some people have said. These things appear…emotions show up. I greet them and I try to honour them. Its hard not to judge yourself but I catch my judgmental thoughts that say “you should be able to …. by now” and become friendly towards them. Another day comes and goes and each day is different yet the same. If we continue to treat ourselves as we do our friends by being present I believe we can create love within. While thinking of this I was reminded of everyone that has suicidal thoughts.
Remember when someone says they want to die, and/or are talking about suicidal thoughts please believe them. People who get to the point of acting on those thoughts have come to a place where they feel they are a burden to others and that everyone would be better off without them. They dont see their value! They dont see how very much they are loved! Never dismiss someone’s pain when they speak about it. If you dont know what to say tell them they matter, reach out and get help for them. Its a huge misconception that people talking about suicide will not follow through. FALSE ! When people die by suicide their pain is transfered onto all the ones who love them but I will never agree that its a selfish act.
There are answers, solutions and life does get better..There will never be another you. Stay around to find the light in you! Its in all of us. Namaste’